Friday, October 18, 2013

You Know You're Unemployed, When...

This will serve as a working list with which to pass on wisdom to those staring down the dark tunnel of unemployment. Cheers to hope for a better future income!

1. go "out to dinner" with friends for what they think is a social activity, but for you it's because you know the restaurant they have chosen has a free breadbasket. Your skinny friends with real-life adult-y jobs will scoff at the bundle of free carbs because they have first-world problems and can choose which food group to eat. But you? Well, you'll be damned if you know about a free bread basket within 5 miles of your apartment being passed up.

2. know Whole Foods often has free food samples on Wednesdays? Because I know about all the places with free food samples near me, and you should too if you are suckling on the teet of America. As an 'unemployed', I shamelessly hit the same employee twice within 20 minutes, caring not about how everyone obviously knows my cart is empty but whether or not that chick with the new Nikes on is going to actually eat her whole sample and if it's weird if I ask her for the rest of it. (It is weird, fyi. Standards, guys.)

3. your hair is falling out because of nutrient deficiencies. Speaking of whole foods, you lack both on unemployment. And organic food? Please. You're lucky if your dented can of spaghetti-os from 1992 is botulinum-free.

4. ..."splitsies!" is a word you abhor. No, you rich sons of Bs. I will not "splitsies" this bill with you. In case you missed Numero Uno, I ate the free breadbasket. I did not come here to share the cost of your liquid dinner.

5. won't lose any weight from eating less. I promise you this. Because Americans are fat off of quality as well as quantity. Bad food is cheap, and cheap is good. So... if x=y, and y=z, and I did my math right, then bad food=good, right? Anyway, #5 was a disappointing reality.

6. ...every piece of clothing you own is atrocious: hole-y, off-season, stained. But... does it keep you warm? No, because it is off-season and has holes in it. Okay, well... at least it's clean! Also no. Detergent is mad expensive!

7.'ve discovered a new appreciation for what I will refer to as "college-liver". Bankers Club is some nasty rubbing-alcohol grade shit, and I honestly respect my past ability in college to drink this straight from the bottle as if hangovers were child's play. But, on unemployment, Rubbing Alcohol is just about the price range you are looking at when it comes to drinking.

8. pay for things in change. I have, without blinking, pulled up to a gas station and paid for half a tank of gas in quarters. Money is money, ok?

It's only been a mere two weeks since I applied for unemployment, so expect this list to grow.

1 comment:

Jaimerbees said...

i got over $1000 every two weeks on unemployment (i am currently employed). so i wasnt dying for food plus my mortgage is pretty cheap and my car just about paid off).
i never split a meal cost with anyone, even while employed. i dont drink, and my friends do. that freaking bottle of wine is expensive and i wont pay for it.